I think that God is always thinking one thought about each and every one of us, at any given moment… and I’m pretty sure that when he is thinking about me he is thinking “Dude, quit playing Angry Birds.”
I think that guy that invented the “high-five” is probably related to the guy that invented the “wave”. But I'm talking about the real ‘Forrest Gump’ style wave, not that Miss America junk. And I think they probably have a cool, hip cousin that invented the “knuckles”, and a skinny, nerdier brother they make fun of because he invented the “pinky-swear”. Loser.
So when you’re single, do you just have to accept the fact that you will not be receiving back rubs ever?? And also, the fact you have dry skin on your back cause of lack of lotion? And also, that it isn’t considered “okay” to watch chick flicks at this juncture in your life?? Man, I need to find a girlfriend…
I wish I was alive when Jesus was around… I would just follow Him and His disciples around, and whenever Jesus called some one out, or showed them their wicked ways, I would have been like “aaaawkward”.
How come whenever you mow the lawn there is a moment when you think to yourself, “I’m gonna mow the world!”… but then you finish your lawn and just go back inside?
Sometimes I pretend to go “#2”, just so I can concentrate on Angry Birds, w/out being bothered.
I hate it when you go to give a guy a hand shake, and he decides he’s going to give you a super-man squeeze, just to show you how manly he is. And then he grips your hand too quick and squeezes the ends of your fingers… that’s just weird feeling… Plus, I still don’t think you’re cool. Nice “Tap-OUT” shirt.
Do you think toll booth operators get déjà vu a lot?
When am I going to stop dreaming that I’m at school and I forgot my locker combination and/or class schedule??
Who decided that guys should stand up when they pee?? And why can’t I use the word tinkle?? I like that word…
I wish the commercial was “Red Bull: It gives you acid indigestion, but the sugar-free one isn't that bad, but you won't like it as much".
Why does Andrew Dice Clay have an eye patch now? Should I be wearing an eye patch too? Does he know something that is going to happen that I’m not aware of?
I'll never get tired of saying "Shawshank Redemption"
I hate it when somebody is all like “hey, did you hear about (huge national event)”, and I am all like “yeah, totally”. Then, I’m all like ‘google search (huge national event)’. And then I’m glad they didn’t ask me any questions about it, cause then they would have known I don’t watch the news…
Where did all my toys go?? You would think at least a few of them would still be laying around. When did I stop playing with them?? Anyone?? Where are my FREAKIN TOYS???
I think next time a potential client tells me to “give him a shout”… I’m like, really gonna do it for real.
Sometimes I’m just going on with a day. Everything is absolutely normal, and I think to myself, “dude, when is the last time you washed these jeans bro?” Meh.
Do you think that sometimes Jesus just flew to places? like when nobody was looking? Or played a ton of tricks on his friends... And if he did, I hope one of his friends said "Jesus, you so crazy", because that is for sure something that would have made me laugh way hard. Also, I would have wanted to try and arm wrestle him. 
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